Local Revision: Wordiness

I think that my Quick Reference guide is a bit to long, but this activity should help me shorten it. I also have a tendency of using phrases such "due to the fact" and what not. This should help me get rid of that too.

Litterio, Antonio. "Power of Words" 5/26/2011 via wikipedia. Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported

Excerpt From Draft (before)

Nearby at a top secret Iranian Uranium Enrichment Plant, nuclear centrifuges used for Uranium Enrichment, were being destroyed at an alarming rate. At this point in time, Iran’s nuclear program was still in its infancy. The destruction of centrifuges was attributed to development errors in the uranium enrichment process. Nonetheless, these seemed like two completely unrelated events right?

In June of that same year, cyber security giant, Kaspersky, discovered a malicious piece of code. However, they did not know what it was or what it did. Further investigation into this code revealed that it was no ordinary piece of malware. It was far more complex and ingenious than anything anyone had ever seen.

As word got out, more and more cyber security firms joined the investigations. At this point it became very clear that something like this was not developed by your average computer hacker. This took resources, money, and possibly years of work. The race was now on to find out what it did before it executed... if it hadn’t already..

Revised Excerpt (After)

Nearby at a top secret Uranium Enrichment Plant, nuclear centrifuges were being destroyed at an alarming rate. Iran’s nuclear program was still in its infancy and the destruction of centrifuges was attributed to development errors. Nonetheless, these events seemed completely unrelated right?

In June of that year, cyber security giant, Kaspersky, discovered malicious code in Iran. However, they did not know its purpose. Further investigation revealed that this malware was far from ordinary. It was far more complex than anything anyone had ever seen. 

As word got out, more cyber security firms joined the investigation. It had became clear that this malware was not developed by your average computer hacker. This took resources and years of work. The race was now on to find out what it did before it executed... if it hadn’t already.

 Thoughts

Well first of, it is easier on the eyes. Secondly, I have less redundant words and and inflated phrases. I think it is better in the sense that I get to the point a lot quicker. I think that I also removed a factor of uncertain by removing words such as "probably" and "possibly." The only thing that I do not like about the revised version is that I think it takes away a bit of my personalized tone.